Steve Woods

Generic carbon-based humanoid life form.

  • Sin and the Home Secretary

    Steve WoodsMedia, Politics

    Sin is generally accepted to be a transgression against divine law. While sins are generally considered actions, any thought, word, or act considered immoral, selfish, shameful, harmful or alienating might be termed “sinful“. Synonyms form sin include offence, crime, violation, sinfulness, felony, trespass, wrongdoing.

    All those secular alternatives bring us very swiftly to the doors of the Home Office and its Secretary of State, one Yvette Cooper. The Home Office’s responsibilities include public safety and policing, border security, immigration, passports and civil registration.

    And it is border security and immigration that are currently exercising Ms Cooper’s mind.

    Ever since the previous Tory government blocked off all conventional ways of applying for political asylum in the Untied Kingdom, the country has been experiencing a so-called migrant crisis, with desperate people risking their lives to cross the Channel in inflatable boats. Once they arrive in Blighty, they become the responsibility of the Home Office which is currently using hotels around the country to house the the massive backlog of applicants for asylum.

    However, this arrangement has not found favour with the racists and xenophobes from the right wing of the Conservative Party, the Farage Fan Club and more extreme elements, who have been causing trouble outside hotels and trying to make the country look like a downmarket version of the Nazis’ Nuremberg rallies.

    The response of Ms Cooper and the government has been to adopt the clothing of the far right in an attempt to appease the unappeasable. This has included suspending breaching the Human Rights Act provisions in respect of family life, an action some might regard as sinful.

    Nevertheless, Ms Cooper is not content with this digression and lack of humanity, as was apparent from The Guardian’s live blog today, as per the following screenshot.

    Headline - Cooper suggests asylum seekers could be moved into warehouses instead of hotels
    They’re people, not widgets, Ms Cooper!

    Yes you did read that correctly.

    Warehouses.

    This is indicative that Ms Cooper has ceased to regard these desperate people as human beings, since one stores objects in warehouses, not people.

    This dehumanisation is dangerous, as was pointed out by the late Terry Pratchett in his Carpe Jugulum Discworld novel.

    Below is a dialogue on sin between the witch Granny Weatherwax and the Omnian missionary priest Mightily Oats.

    “And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That’s what sin is.” “It’s a lot more complicated than that—” “No. It ain’t. When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they means they’re getting worried that they won’t like the truth. People as things, that’s where it starts.” “Oh, I’m sure there are worse crimes—” “But they starts with thinking about people as things…”

    It is not known whether Ms Cooper has ever read Carpe Jugulum, but even if she hasn’t, your ‘umble scribe thinks that treating people as people and not things is the natural way of things.

  • Gourmet baked goods

    Steve WoodsLanguage, Oddities, Social Media

    The story of baked pastry dough wrapped around is tasty filling is a long one. Sometime before 2000 BCE, a recipe for chicken pie was written on a tablet in Sumer – the earliest known civilisation – in southern Mesopotamia (now south-central Iraq. Ed.), according to Wikipedia.

    Moving forward a couple of millennia, the 1st century Roman cookbook Apicius includes several recipes involving a pie case.

    It would therefore seem evident humans have been munching pastry baked around a filling for at least two millennia.

    Coming right up to date, one of today’s largest producers of baked goods in the Untied Kingdom is Greggs, founded in the Gosforth area of Newcastle upon Tyne in 1939. From the 1970s onwards, Greggs embarked on a string of acquisitions and mergers. In June 2025 the chain had 2,649 outlets and also employs over 33,000 staff. Some items are only sold in particular regions, whilst the company also sells some of its products (e.g. bakes, melts and pasties) through the Iceland supermarket chain.

    As a mass market supplier, Greggs is frequently mocked for being down-market and this brings us neatly to humour and punning, a social media staple.

    Post reads 'What’s the matter babe? You've not even touched your Gregg’s Benedict.'

    Greggs Benedict?

    Sounds delicious!

    However, there was once – but no longer – an actual Greggs Benedict available under a fine dining ‘experience’:

    For breakfast and brunch, don’t miss out on the “Greggs Benedict” – the Greggs Sausage, Bean and Cheese Melt reimagined with smoked ham, poached Cacklebean eggs and a velvety Hollandaise sauce. Our ‘Full English’ celebrates the icon that is the Greggs Sausage Roll alongside bacon, mushroom, tomato, baked beans and a choice of eggs – scrambled, poached or fried. The dish also comes as a vegetarian and vegan option.

    Bon appétit !

  • Auntie’s hardware malfunction

    Steve WoodsMedia, Oddities, Tech

    Back on 2nd February 2004 singers Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson issued a statement attempting to explain the 38th Super Bowl half-time show controversy, during which Jackson’s right breast was exposed. In that statement the phrase wardrobe malfunction was coined.

    Fast forward to August 2025 and it would appear that the nation’s quasi-state broadcaster has had what can only be described as a hardware malfunction in which the wrong sort of device was exposed.

    Earlier today BBC Breakfast had a long segment about the 30th anniversary of the release of Microsoft’s Windows 95 operating system.

    As this is TV there were some visual props on hand, as shown in the screenshot below.

    Screenshot showing Windows 95 upgrade pack, a pile of floppy disks, MS-DOS 6 installation pack and a Macintosh SE

    Observant readers will have noted that the hardware used is in fact a Macintosh SE, a machine manufactured and sold by Apple between March 1987 and October 1990.

    That’s right! It was discontinued five years before Windows 95 was introduced.

    Furthermore, the Macintosh SE also ran on Apple’s Classic Mac OS, not MS-DOS and Windows.

    In bygone times, the BBC used to brag about the accuracy and trustworthiness of its broadcasting. It still does, but that boasting appears to be on very shaky foundations indeed.

    Who else likes the smell of facepalm in the morning? 😉

  • Making America Grater Again

    Steve WoodsPolitics, Social Media

    In political science lectures many decades ago, one of the myriad facts we students absorbed was that authoritarian and totalitarian regimes in the 20th century had a tendency to rewrite history along the lines of the Ministry of Truth in George Orwell‘s dystopian novel Nineteen Eight-Four.

    Whilst it may be argued that all nation states include total fabrications and distortions in their national fairy stories (e.g. the fictional King Arthur in English/British history. Ed.), some are more accomplished than others in their incorporation of lies and events that never occurred, some are more prone to this practice than others; and the United States is a past master of telling itself fibs. Some of the US of A’s biggest lies were examined in a three part documentary series by historian Lucy Worsley in 2019.

    Indeed, one might say that the American national story is dominated more by the lies it contains than by the ugly truths of the course of American history if it chooses to omit, such as the genocide and dispossession of the indigenous inhabitants and the cruelty and exploitation inherent in chattel slavery and the plantation system.

    Having spoken extensively above of American lies, it’s time to move to Washington, DC and the presently blinged-up man cave otherwise known as the Oval Office, currently occupied by the country’s Liar-in-Chief, the disgraced former 45th president and current disgraceful 47th president of the United States of America, insurrectionist, convicted felon, adjudicated sexual predator, business fraudster, congenital liar and golf cheat commonly known as Donald John Trump, who is on a personal mission to Make America Grate Again (or something similar. Ed.).

    The Donald has taken to his Truth Social* social media echo chamber earlier this week railing that museums and universities were not telling ‘proper’ US history and were too “WOKE” [sic]. He wrote the following.

    Post reads The Museums throughout Washington, but all over the Country are, essentially, the last remaining segment of “WOKE.” The Smithsonian is OUT OF CONTROL, where everything discussed is how horrible our Country is, how bad Slavery was, and how unaccomplished the downtrodden have been — Nothing about Success, nothing about Brightness, nothing about the Future. We are not going to allow this to happen, and | have instructed my attorneys to go through the Museums, and start the exact same process that has been done with Colleges and Universities where tremendous progress has been made. This Country cannot be WOKE, because WOKE IS BROKE. We have the “HOTTEST” Country in the World, and we want people to talk about it, including in our Museums.

    As regards one of Tangerine Insurrectionist’s targets, the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History, this was on the receiving end of his ire for having the temerity, much to Trump’s wounded pride, of mentioning his two impeachments in his first term of (subsequently removed. Ed.) from its exhibit on The Limits of Presidential Power.

    What Trump’s social media post merely indicates he wants bully US institutions into doing in order to pander to his own exceedingly vain, distorted, white, racist, privileged world view. This line of action has a name: historical revisionism, something to which the now defunct Soviet Union was prone during its existence from 1922–1991 (e.g. prominent but out-of-favour individuals being deliberately edited out of photographs and the remainder of the official record).

    Wikipedia defines the phenomenon as follows:

    Historical revisionism is the reinterpretation of a historical account. It involves challenging the orthodox (established, accepted or traditional) scholarly views or narratives regarding a historical event, timespan, or phenomenon by introducing contrary evidence or reinterpreting the motivations of the people involved. Revision of the historical record can reflect new discoveries of fact, evidence, and interpretation as they come to light. The process of historical revision is a common, necessary, and usually uncontroversial process which develops and refines the historical record to make it more complete and accurate.

    One form of historical revisionism involves denying the moral significance or accuracy of the historical record. This type of historical revisionism is called historical negationism, and is contentious as it often includes denying the veracity of genuine documents, or deliberately manipulating statistical data to reach predetermined conclusions. The destruction or alteration of cultural heritage sites is also considered a form of illegitimate historical revisionism when it serves to deny the cultural or historical claims of ethnic groups.

    Trump’s social media post shows all the hallmarks of historical revisionism, but at the same time, he seems determined to make America safe again for ignorant, racist, insecure, selfish and entitled old white men like himself.

    Note in particular the word again. Trump is harking after an imagined lost past. As for museums and the future, The Donald doesn’t realise that museums serve to collect, preserve, interpret, and display objects of cultural, historical, or scientific significance. Their primary functions include safeguarding heritage for future generations and facilitating education. If the future is involved, the role of museums and the like should be educating people about the mistakes of history, not airbrushing or erasing them.

    * = No irony was intended in the naming of the platform. Ed.

  • Gemsbok

    Steve WoodsLanguage, Social Media, Tech

    One neoligism (posh for new word. Ed.) that has become prominent in recent times is doomscrolling, defined as the activity of spending a lot of time looking at your phone or computer and reading bad or negative news stories.

    This can naturally be extremely depressing, hence the tendency of folk to seek comfort in online content not concerned with people’s inhumanity to their fellows to alleviate the feelings of despair, be this fluffy cat and dog photos, even fluffier photos of sheep (yes, I’m looking at you, Mastodon! Ed.). These are joined by wildlife and avian photography.

    One of the sources of wildlife images that turns up in your ‘umble scribe’s timeline comes courtesy of Namibia Weather. This features a live webcam at a waterhole in the Gondwana Namib Park, which claims to be Namibia’s first live webcam and regularly posts stills from the feed on Mastodon.

    Waterhole in the Namib Desert with drinking wildebeest

    The wildlife varies by the minute if you watch the live Youtube feed. Besides wildebeest, other large mammals that regularly visit the waterhole are South African oryx, otherwise known as gemsbok Note the striking monochrome facial markings.

    Gemsbok at the watering hole

    Sometimes cats, dogs or even sheep are just not a good enough antidote… Happy browsing! 😀

  • WECA and the cult of personality

    Steve WoodsBristol, Politics, Social Media

    The West of England Combined Authority – usually abbreviated to WECA – was established in February 2017 and covers the local authorities of Bristol City Council, Bath & NE Somerset and South Gloucestershire. The decision to establish WECA – after being proposed by central government – was one taken by the local authorities involved. There was neither consultation of the residents concerned, nor a referendum of the relevant electorates to seek their approval. Your ‘umble scribe therefore regards its democratic legitimacy as dubious.

    The first election for the mayor of the new authority was held on 4th May 2017. It was won by South Gloucestershire Conservative politician Tim Bowles, a man who shunned publicity so much he was known by some in local social media circles as Invisible Tim.

    The invisibility of the WECA mayor all changed when the next incumbent arrived in 2021, Labour’s Dan Norris. Norris so craved publicity he made great efforts to get his name in the media and in the public’s head so much that his efforts bordered on the narcissistic, leading your correspondent to refer to Norris in social media posts as Dan, Dan the Vanity Man. Indeed, it could be said that Norris would have attended the opening of an envelope if a press photographer was present to record the event.

    Norris was renowned for two acts of self-promotion during his term of office, both involving buses. Firstly, his name appeared on posters on every bus stop in the WECA area, but more on that topic later. Secondly, not content with getting his name of every bus stop in the district, Norris decided he ought to be on the side of a bus as well, purporting to promote driving a bus for a living and advertise a free bus travel scheme, but actually a chance to get likenesses of a vain man and his dog on the side of a double-decker. WECA spent £10,000 on this sycophantic stunt that was ultimately ruled to have been spent ‘unlawfully’.

    Image of the Norris' unlawful bus wrap

    Norris’ term as WECA mayor ended in disgrace. He became an MP and was for the last part of his term of office Dan ‘Two Jobs’ Norris. In April 2025 Dan, Dan the Vanity Man was arrested by Avon and Somerset Police on suspicion of rape, child sex offences, child abduction and misconduct in public office.

    Continuity vanity

    In May Norris’ term of office ended. His replacement is Helen Godwin, who has been involved in local politics since 2016, according to her Wikipedia entry.

    However, very little has changed with the change of incumbent. There’s still a free bus travel scheme (but for children of school age. Ed.) and the bus stop posters now feature Godwin’s name instead of her predecessor’s.

    WECA bus stop poster advertising free summer bus travel for children
    Close-up of bottom-right corner of poster which bears the wording West England [sic] Helen Godwin Mayor of the west of England

    One might believe on the strength of the above evidence that something is seriously amiss in the West of England Combined Authority. For the last four years and for the foreseeable future, the authority seems to be in the grip of what is normally referred to as the cult of personality.

    Wikipedia defines the cult of personality as follows:

    A cult of personality, or a cult of the leader, is the result of an effort which is made to create an idealized and heroic image of an admirable leader, often through unquestioning flattery and praise. Historically, it has been developed through techniques such as the manipulation of the mass media, the dissemination of propaganda, the staging of spectacles, the manipulation of the arts, the instilling of patriotism, and government-organized demonstrations and rallies.

    In addition to obvious examples like Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin and Argentina’s Juan Peron, the cult of personality has over the centuries affected countries spanning the entire alphabet from Albania to Zimbabwe. It is currently flourishing in the United States where his MAGA lout supporters think Donald John Trump, the disgraced former 45th president and current disgraceful 47th president of the United States of America, insurrectionist in chief, convicted felon, adjudicated sexual predator, business fraudster, congenital liar and golf cheat, can do no wrong.

    In 1988 the US band Living Colour released a single, The Cult of Personality off their debut album Vivid. Taling about the single, band member Vernon Reid stated; “The whole idea was to move past the duality of: That’s a good person and that’s a bad person. What do the good and the bad have in common? Is there something that unites Gandhi and Mussolini? Why are they who they are? And part of it is charisma.“. Reid also remarked: “‘Cult of Personality’ was about celebrity, but on a political level. It asked what made us follow these individuals who were larger than life yet still human beings.“

  • Public health information

    Steve WoodsOddities, Politics, Social Media

    From your ‘umble scribe’s social media timeline this morning.

    Outside St Thomas’ Hospital in central London at the other end of Westminster Bridge from Halitosis Hall.

    Spoof NHS poster at bus stop entitled know your parasites featuring ticks, worms and billionaires and their treatment.

    One wonders why governments around the world are not at all keen in eradicating the scourge of the ultra-rich, whom the planet can ill afford to accommodate. Just look at the emissions from their private jets, let alone the dubious company they keep (e.g. the inauguration of the disgraced former 45th president and current disgraceful 47th president of the United States of America, insurrectionist, convicted felon, adjudicated sexual predator, business fraudster, congenital liar and golf cheat commonly known as Donald John Trump) and their attempts to buy elections.

    One can only hope that any passing politicians will absorb and act on this valuable health advice.

  • Unwelcome to Scotland

    Steve WoodsMedia, Politics

    Later today, the disgraced former 45th president and current disgraceful 47th president of the United States of America, insurrectionist, convicted felon, adjudicated sexual predator, business fraudster, congenital liar and golf cheat commonly known as Donald John Trump, is due to land in Scotland for a bit of recreational cheating – assumed to be of the golfing rather than the extra-marital kind – at his two resorts of Turnberry on the Ayrshire coast and Menie in Aberdeenshire (“Twinned with Epstein Island”) in a break from his mission to Make America Grate Again (or something similar. Ed.).

    Scotland’s The National has of course, put the news on its front page, but does not stoop to the sycophancy that The Donald craves and has come to expect.

    Front page of today's The National featuring a photo of Trump's eyes above the headline Convicted US felon to arrive in Scotland and the byline Republican leader, who was found liable for sexual abuse and defamation, will visit golf courses

    The only people your ‘umble scribe has noted are actually looking forward to The Felon’s visit are the Scottish First Minister John Swinney and the alleged Prime Minister of the Untied Kingdom, one ‘Sir’ Keir Rodney Starmer, both of whom have arranged to hold meetings with tRump during his Scottish sojourn.

    Meanwhile the Scots are planning a traditional warm welcome – hopefully carrying the force of emotion of the late Janey Godley.

    The late Janey Godley outside Turnberry holding a sign reading Trump is a cunt.

    Full details of the Scottish protests are available on Stop Trump.

    The front page has apparently had a mixed reception in the USA.

  • Coloured curvaceousness

    Steve WoodsBristol, Language, Media

    Some consumer clickbait from yesterday’s Bristol ‘Live’, a Reach plc local news title.

    Screenshot of article from Bristol Live with the headline Flattering £38 Next dress that looks great if you're curvy in four colours

    Articles for the same product also appeared in other Reach plc titles such as the Manchester Evening News and Birmingham ‘Live’, although their readers were not informed that curvaceousness comes in four colours, as were the good burghers of Bristol.

    The reason for this is because the headline writers on those papers can recognise ambiguity, unlike those at the Temple Way Ministry of Truth.

  • Hashtag in the wild

    Steve WoodsBristol, Politics, Social Media

    More years ago than he cares to remember, your ‘umble scribe was asked by one of his local ward councillors (now retired) to come up with a hashtag to publicise our fight against grime – litter, fly-tipping. fly-posting and other environmental crimes – in Bristol’s inner city wards of Easton and Lawrence Hill.

    And so #TidyBS5 was born.

    Well over a decade later, it’s very encouraging to see others using it, as per this mattress currently gracing St Mark’s Grove.

    Mattress with the wording Tracey Emin #TidyBS5

    However, the BS5 article is not to be confused with the artwork My Bed by Ms Emin, as shown below.

    My Bed by Tracy Emin

    In the meantime, BS5ers are encouraged to report the environmental crimes listed above via the Bristol City Council website.

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