Steve Woods

Written by a human.

  • The Donald J Trump Institute of War

    Thank you, Led By Donkeys!

    Wikipedia: “On December 3, 2025, the White House rebranded the headquarters building as the Donald J. Trump Institute of Peace…”

    When it comes to leaving his mark everywhere, the disgraced 45th and current disgraceful 47th President of the United States, adjudicated sexual predator, condemned business fraudster, convicted felon and compulsive liar, Donald John Trump (who is on a personal quest to Make America Grate Again or something similar. Ed.) is no different from a dog and a city’s lamp posts.

    No further comment required.

  • The English north-south divide: another Roman legacy?

    In Monty Python’s Life of Brian, Reg, the leader of the People’s Front of Judea (PFJ) asks: “All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

    Moving well north and west from Judea to England and asking the same question about the benefits of Roman rule for the locals, one unexpected legacy of oppression under the hob-nailed caliga may well be the north-south divide, but does that political, cultural and linguistic division, which has been a permanent fixture in your ‘umble scribe’s life, really date back over one and a half millennia? It is a recognised phenomenon that has even merited its own Wikipedia page.

    Anyway, back to the Romans.

    The Roman province of Britannia was in existence from the invasion of Claudius in 43 CE until with withdrawal of the legions in around 410 CE.

    Some time, either in the late second century or early third century CE the province of Britannia was split into two, with Britannia Superior (Upper Britain) in the south governed from Londinium (London) and Britannia Inferior (Lower Britain) in the north governed from Eboracum (York). It is not known where the boundary between the two administrative regions was demarcated, with the boundary in the graphic below being purely conjectural.

    Roman province of Britannia divided into Britannia Superior and Britannia Inferior. Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

    Both Britannia Superior and Britannia Inferior were later sub-divided further. In 296, the emperor Diocletian undertook a major reorganisation of the empire. The newly named Diocese of Britannia was subdivided into four provinces, Britannia Prima and Maxima Caesariensis from Britannia Superior and Britannia Secunda (capital in Eboracum) and Flavia Caesariensis (capital in Lindum (Lincoln)) from Britannia Inferior.

    When Catholic Christianity came to England, it followed a similar pattern to the fate of the Roman imperial province: firstly administration as a sole archbishopric from Canterbury, then the division of the country into two provinces, Canterbury and York, with the latter archbishopric being established 735, after being a bishopric from 626. This administrative ecclesiastical division has persisted to this day, with the Archbishop of York being regarded as the Church of England’s second most senior cleric.

    Provinces of the Church of England. York in pink, Canterbury in yellow. Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

    At about the same time that the early church was developing, so were England’s seven Saxon kingdoms (established by the descendants of incomers from continental Europe from the 5th century onwards, who intermarried with the locals and whose culture became the dominant one in what was later to become England. Ed.) – otherwise known as the Heptarchy. Of these, one of the largest was Northumbria, whose capital was likewise York and whose southern boundaries extended from the Mersey estuary in the west to the Humber estuary in the east.

    The Heptarchy, Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

    However, other factors than ecclesiastical and administrative division need to be taken into account. These include the arrival and settlement of large parts of England with Norse speakers from the mid-ninth century onwards, ultimately resulting in the establishment of the Danelaw. The settlement of large numbers of Norse speakers also had a profound effect on the development of what became modern English, simplifying some of the more complicated syntax of Old English inherited from its Germanic roots, as well as enriching the language with such everyday nouns as egg and knife, plus adjectives like sly. Wikipedia has a list of English words of Norse origin, but your ‘umble scribe does not consider it complete as it has been reckoned that up to 3,000 modern English terms have their origins in Old Norse. But perhaps the most telling distinction is the difference in the origin of dialect words between the north and the south (e.g. the northern use of beck for a stream and in certain regions gan for go).

    The north-south divide also played a role in that most famous year in English history – 1066, involving as it did a fraternal dispute between the two sons of Godwin of Wessex, namely Harold (who some, particularly William of Normandy believed had usurped the English crown which he believed had been promised to him. Ed.) and Tostig, earl of Northumberland. As earl of Northumberland, Tostig governed with difficulty. He was never popular with the Northumbrian ruling class, a mix of Danish invaders and Anglo-Saxon survivors of the last Norse invasion. Tostig was said to have been heavy-handed with those who resisted his rule, including murdering several members of leading Northumbrian families. On 3rd October 1065, the thegns of York and the rest of Yorkshire descended on York and occupied the city. They killed Tostig’s officials and supporters, then declared Tostig outlawed for his unlawful actions. Shortly after, Kind Edward the Confessor exiled Tostig at the behest of his brother Harold.

    When Edward died and was succeeded by Harold, his rule was challenged by Tostig and Harald Hardrada of Norway, both of whom were killed at the Battle of Stamford Bridge on 25th September 1066. Hard on the heels of that encounter, Harold Godwinson himself lost the crown by being defeated by William (nicknamed both the Conqueror and the Bastard. Ed.) Duke of Normandy at Hastings on 14th October 1066.

    The Norman takeover of England was not wholeheartedly welcomed everywhere and more particularly he William faced a series of rebellions and border skirmishes in Dover, Exeter, Hereford, Nottingham, Durham, York and Peterborough. However, the biggest revolt came in the northern part of England and is generally know to history as the Harrying of the North. In 1086, twenty years after William the Bastard’s invasion and the battle of Hastings, his great survey of the country known as the Domesday Book lists many areas as being waste, i.e. unproductive land yielding no tax revenue, so great had been his retribution for the revolt against his rule.

    The fourteenth century is our next halt on this journey down the English north-south divide.

    In 1381 there was a popular uprising now known to history as the Peasants’ Revolt (although plenty of people other than peasants were involved. Ed.) occurred. Although the main events occurred in the south-east of England, particularly Essex, Kent and London, revolts and public unrest occurred in other parts of England too; and the north did not escape.

    Wikipedia records that:

    In the town of Beverley, violence broke out between the richer mercantile elite and the poorer townspeople during May. By the end of the month the rebels had taken power and replaced the former town administration with their own. The rebels attempted to enlist the support of Alexander Neville, the Archbishop of York, and in June forced the former town government to agree to arbitration through Neville. Peace was restored in June 1382 but tensions continued to simmer for many years.

    Hard on the heels of the events of 1381, 1395 was a pivotal year in English literary history with the appearance of Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales. Chaucer himself wrote (and probably spoke) in the East Midlands dialect which was prevalent in places such as London, Oxford and Cambridge, and was one of the most influential medieval English dialects in forming Modern English. However, he knew the Northern dialect too and it is spoken by the two northern clerks in the Reeve’s Tale.

    The tale concerns Symkyn, a miller of Trumpington near Cambridge. He overcharged the steward of Soler Hall (which later became part of Trinity College), the college steward was too ill to face him. Two clerical students there, John and Aleyn, originally from Strother in north east England (a place now lost in the historical and geographical record. Ed.), are outraged at this theft and vow to beat the miller at his own game. The north-eastern accent of the two clerks is also the earliest surviving attempt in English literature to record a dialect from an area other than that of the main writer and is believed to be the first effort in English to extract comedy from imitating accents.

    And that linguistic divide has existed since at least Chaucer’s time, with occasional low-level mutual disdain for the accents and dialects of north and south. One of my nieces – a Lancashire lass – did her degree in London. Whilst in London she was constantly told how northern she sounded; during visits back to the red rose county, the perceived loss of her accent and perceived adoption of southern speech were also remarked upon.

    Over the centuries distinct differences other than linguistic have also grown up. Take food for instance. Bury has long been regarded by many as the traditional home of black pudding, whilst London will always be associated with jellied eels. Pie lovers generally associate decent pies with the north (see Hairy Bikers. Ed.). Turning to music, London has the Royal College of Music; Manchester is home to the Royal Northern College of Music. On the sports field the north has long been the home of rugby league (13 players per side) whilst rugby union (15 per side) has long predominated in the south. Plenty of other examples in other fields are also available.

    Motorway style signage indicating roundabout exit for Hatfield and the NorthBefore drawing to an end, it’s worth noting that where the north and south of England both begin and end is not fixed. If one is on the M1 down near London, the motorway signage clearly indicates that the North begins beyond Hatfield in Hertfordshire. In contrast, my Mancunian friend Steve defines the start of the North as anywhere north of a horizontal line at Knutsford Services on the M6 in line with the general rule that the further north one goes, the further north the south begins.

    So, returning to and paraphrasing the PFJ’s Reg, apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system and public health, did the Romans also give England its north-south divide? Have your say in the comments below.

  • It’s Pi Day

    Today is March 14th, or in the American system of time and date notation 3.14.

    the numbers 3, 1 and 4 just happen to be the first three numbers of Pi (π), a mathematical constant denoting the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter.

    Pi Day was first celebrated in the United States after being founded in 1988 by the late Larry Shaw, formerly an employee of the Exploratorium science museum in San Francisco. Celebrations often involve either eating pie or holding Pi recitation competitions, or both.

    Steak and ale pie complete with Pi
    A magnificent home-made Pi pie.
    Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

    Besides Pi Day, some people also celebrate Pi Approximation Day on 22nd July (22/7).

  • Bristol Live exclusive: abstract nouns become tool users

    Bristol ‘Live’, the city’s newspaper of (warped) record is a frequent source of exclusives, i.e. news limited to the possession, control or use by a title or group of titles. However, most of these go unrecognised or are ignored by the paper itself.

    One such occurred this morning when the piece in the screenshot below was added to the title’s website.

    Headline Police update after arrests made during Bristol protests where horseback offers used batons

    It seems the city and county of Bristol and its forces of law in order in particular have some very skilled abstract nouns called offers. Not only can they control domestic animals – horses – but are also able to use tools/weapons (batons) at the same time.

    Why have these highly talented abstract nouns not received attention the so richly merit in the past? Diligent proofreading perchance? 😀

  • A new salute

    At one time right-wingers and fascists could be recognised by their giving the Roman salute (also known as the fascist salute. Ed.) or Nazi salute.

    In the former the right hand is swung from the left shoulder to fully extend the right arm forward perpendicular to the torso, with palm down, and fingers touching. In some versions, the arm is raised upward at an angle; in others, it is held out parallel to the ground. In the latter the salute is performed by raising and extending the right arm forward at an upward angle with a straightened hand, fingers together, and palm facing downward.

    In recent times, however, it appears these two traditional gestures of the far right have been superseded by another that is popular amongst populists – the thumbs-up signal, as demonstrated when they dined in Florida at the weekend by the disgraced 45th and current disgraceful 47th President of the United States, adjudicated sexual predator, condemned business fraudster, convicted felon and compulsive liar, one Donald John Trump (who is on a personal quest to Make America Grate Again or something similar. Ed.) and the part-time dishonourable member of parliament for Clacton, a grifter and charlatan rejoicing in the name of Nigel Paul Farage.

    Trump and Farage giving the thumbs up
    Image courtesy of the White House

    Farage’s trip has drawn plenty of adverse criticism, including from Lib Dem leader Ed Davey: “I see Farage is off to Mar-a-Lago to talk down Britain and suck up to Trump. There’s nothing patriotic about cheering on a foreign leader whose illegal war is sending British families’ energy bills through the roof.

    For those who bemoan modernisation, there are plenty of those out there on the right who still prefer tradition, like Elon Musk.

  • Exclusive: Wiltshire man murdered on social media server

    One definition of the noun ambiguity in English is “a word or expression that can be understood in two or more possible ways“.

    Nearly 5 decades ago, when your ‘umble scribe started his first job as a staff translator for Imperial Tobacco and was being schooled in how to write in the company’s internal house style, one definite rule that was imposed was that of avoiding any and all ambiguity.

    This is a practice that does not seem to be prevalent in titles in the current Reach plc newspaper stable, including Bristol ‘Live’, the conglomerate’s newspaper of (warped) record for the greater Bristol area.

    And so it came to pass that in the process of trawling social media for something that qualifies as investigative ‘journalism’, the Post looked further afield than the BS postcode and ventured into the the wilds of Wiltshire for a story.

    Headline - I found out my boy had been stabbed to death on Facebook

    Yes, that’s right! If one just read the headline, the impression is given that the murder victim was killed on a server in the employ of Mark Zuckerberg. However, in the actual body of the report, the copy does state that no killing occurred on Facebook itself.

    The mum of a murdered teen found out about the killing on Facebook before receiving a phone call asking if it was true.

    How the headline and the copy body can portray two different versions what transpired seems to have by-passed its two named authors and the SWNS news agency credited as being responsible for writing the piece is beyond belief. In the old days, this would have been picked up and remedied by a sub-editor (before Reach made them all redundant. Ed.). All 3 parties involved were obviously not paying attention either in school English classes or media studies lectures when some of the finer points of good writing were being imparted.

  • A new acronym

    A new acronym came into view in your ‘umble scribe’s social media timeline last month: AI;DR, as shown below.

    Post reads over on threads someone just use [sic] ai;dr and we all need to adopt that right quick

    This is a modification of the already extant acronym TL;DR (too long; don’t read) to embrace the recent development of artificial intelligence and shows the dynamism that language has always had, adapting quickly to new ideas, concepts and items.

    And long may it continue. 😀

  • Bezos title cheerleading for war

    The image below courtesy of the Washington Post (proprietor one Trump-supporting, union-bashing billionaire rejoicing in the name of Jeffrey Preston Bezos. Ed.) came into your ‘umble scribe’s social media timeline this morning.

    Washington Post opinion piece with a headline reading In the long run, wars make us safer and richer

    There have always been those who profit from wars, from spivs operating on the black market (posts passim) to arms manufacturers.

    Wars always entail casualties, one of the first being reputed to be the truth.

    The Washington Post’s attitude illustrated in the opinion piece’s title reminds your correspondent of the quotation attributed to the then British Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin during a tough spell in the 1930s:

    What the proprietorship of these papers is aiming at is power, and power without responsibility—the prerogative of the harlot throughout the ages.

    No further comment is necessary, save perhaps one sentence from my political science lecturer, the late Elfed Roberts, in a lecture on war over five decades ago: “War is the destruction of the fittest“.

  • Dishonourable member plays the victim

    The dishonourable member for Clacton, a racist, grifting charlatan known as Nigel Paul Farage, is so proud of representing the seaside town that and its environs he tries to spend as little time there as humanly possible.

    However, during the current parliamentary recess, Nigel has turned up at the seaside, but on the Maldives in the Indian Ocean, not on the Essex shore of the North Sea (will the Indian Ocean succeed Monte Carlo as the new sunny place for shady people? Ed.). The trip is believed to have been paid for by an unknown sucker donor. One will have to wait until or if Farage updates his registered financial interests to discover the gullible party’s identity.

    Ever the attention-seeker, Farage has posted details of his whereabouts on social media and used the opportunity to play the victim yet again.

    Original Farage post reads: I have been denied entry to the Chagos Islands by the UK government. Below the post readers added context. The British Indian Ocean Territory is not a tourist destination. There are no commercial flights, access is restricted and you need a permit before you travel. The video from Nigel Farage gives the impression that he was individually refused access.
    Ah, diddums!

    The first paragraph of the context added by users is taken verbatim from the Foreign Office’s entry requirements advice which Mr Farage clearly decided to ignore before embarking on his latest trouble-making jaunt.

    At the end of the parliamentary recess, do us all a favour Mr Farage and stay in the Maldives like a good little boy. 😀

  • Bigotry blasted by Bedford BC

    The world’s 3 Semitic religions, Judaism, Christianity and Islam, frequently have festivals or periods of observance that overlap, coincide or occur very close together,

    One of those periods is happening right now towards the end of the second week of February. Islam’s holy month of Ramadan, a period of fasting and prayer, started yesterday, whilst Lent, the Christian period of repentance and fasting leading up to Easter, began today.

    The starts of the two periods of religious observance were duly announced on its Facebook account by Bedford Borough Council, a procedure no doubt emulated by their Bedford’s counterparts around the land.

    However, one bigoted respondent took the council to task for allegedly showing favouritism to Islam and claiming that the country is apparently first and foremost a Christian country, as shown by the following thread.

    Bedford Borough Council - Wishing Bedford Borough a Happy Lent, the period of 40 days when many Christians may choose to give up certain luxuries and make space to reflect, pray, and read the Bible to prepare for the celebrations of Easter. Reply by MaggieTyers - Funny you put Ramadan and eid up first. Its a Christian country first and foremost. Bedford Borough Council response - Ramadan began on February 17. That is why we put our Ramadan message on social media yesterday. Lent began today, which is why our Lent message went on social media one day later. The date of Lent is determined by the church calendar, rooted in the decisions of the Council of Nicaea (325 AD). The official start of Ramadan traditionally depends on the sighting of the new crescent moon. Bedford Borough Council holds no authority over the Council of Nicaea and was not responsible for the creation of the moon 4.53 billion years ago,

    Imagine the ignominy of being corrected and taken down a peg or two so comprehensively by an English local authority since these are organisations not universally renowned for their competence, let alone deep knowledge of religious matters.

    One final point. If Bedford Borough Council – or any other local authority – had had some authority over the decisions of the (first) Council of Nicaea, then perhaps the date of Easter would be founded on a basis that did not play havoc with council bin collection dates. 😀

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