English usage

  • Car park to be replaced by jargon

    In a further perceived blow to Bristol’s allegedly long-suffering but volubly vocal motoring lobby, Bristol City Council has announced it is investigating alternative uses for two current car parks, according to Bristol247.

    One of the two, near the SS Great Britain down the city docks and known as the Maritime Heritage Centre Car Park, is being investigated as a site for up to 150 flats. However, the fate of the other behind the Counts Louse (which some insist on calling City Hall. Ed.) is completely different; it’s due to be superseded by, er, jargon, i.e. special words or expressions used by a profession or group that are difficult for others to understand, in this instance something termed a last-mile micro-consolidation hub.

    Thankfully a picture showing what this could look like has been provided by WSP, the city council’s chosen gibberish partners.

    Yer tiz, as we say in Bristol.

    Image of the so-called last-mile micro-consolidation hub.
    Image courtesy of WSP

    According to WSP, the gibberish “will provide a sustainable solution for freight deliveries, reducing reliance on traditional vans and supporting the city’s decarbonisation goals”.

    Note how yet more jargon has to be used to explain the initial gobbledygook. If two loads of jargon are required to explain a fairly simple concept, perhaps the verbal diarrhoea merchants need to have a long sit down and a rethink. 😀

  • BBC exclusive – bronze rusts!

    The BBC loves to boast about the quality of its journalism.

    However, every now and again, it manages to publish an untruth so egregious and also stupid that one wonders how it gained a reputation for high class output in the first place.

    To continue our story, we must travel to Nottinghamshire and the banks of the River Trent.

    In April members of the police Underwater Search Team found a corroded ship’s bell during a routine training exercise and brought it ashore for a closer look, where the name Humber Prince emerged after the item was cleaned.

    The bell was formerly attached to a vessel originally known as the Esso Nottingham, which was built in 1956 and subsequently re-registered as the Humber Prince in 1964 by Hull-based company by John H Whitaker Tankers, which used to ferry hydrocarbons on the river.

    The ship's bell - before and after cleaning
    Photo courtesy of Nottinghamshire Police

    When the BBC published its version of the story, a remarkable thing happened; the bell had turned rusty.

    However, there is no mention of rust or any other metallic corrosion in Nottinghamshire Police’s original press release.

    From the photos on the police press release, it is obvious that the bell is made of brass or bronze, not a ferrous metal such as iron or steel, which typically rusts as it corrodes.

    Wikipedia’s page on the ship’s bell gives full details of the typical materials used.

    The bell itself is usually made of brass or bronze, and normally has the ship’s name engraved or cast on it.

    May I suggest that the BBC’s author writes out 100 times “Iron and steel rust. Other metals corrode!

  • Gone quishing

    QR code with link to one of the reference articles for this postIn recent times, QR codes have started to be exploited in phishing attacks, as reported and explained by The Daily Record. This has given rise to another neologism and such attacks are also known as ‘quishing’.

    The phenomenon has been very prevalent in Cymru recently, as noticed by the Rhyl Journal.

    Denbighshire County Council and Conwy County Borough Council has urged residents to take care, as neither use QR codes as a payment method at council-run car parks.

    Similarly, more than 20 fake QR code reports have been made regarding parking meters across the promenade in Llandudno.

    For comprehensive advice on fake QR codes and how to avoid them, plus other scams visit Stop Scams UK.

    NB: The QR code at the top of this post contains a QR code to one of the links used in the piece.

  • What a Fine fellow

    In his 1948 dystopian novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell introduces the concept of Newspeak, a new of language, which is defined as follows, according to Wikipedia.

    To meet the ideological requirements of Ingsoc (English Socialism) in Oceania, the Party created Newspeak, which is a controlled language of simplified grammar and limited vocabulary designed to limit a person’s ability for critical thinking. The Newspeak language thus limits the person’s ability to articulate and communicate abstract concepts, such as personal identity, self-expression, and free will, which are thoughtcrimes, acts of personal independence that contradict the ideological orthodoxy of Ingsoc collectivism.

    Talking about a limited or non-existent ability for critical thinking, it’s time to introduce Rep. Randy Fine, the Republican Party’s representative for Florida’s 6th congressional district, in whom the capacity for critical thinking is completely lacking, as shown by his social media activity earlier in the week and the following post in particular.

    I want to congratulate @Israel on its mostly peaceful bombing of Iran.

    Peaceful bombing, Congressman?

    Yes, of course it was peaceful, Randy; there was absolutely no bloodshed and flowers bloomed where the bombs fell.

    Rep. Fine’s Wikipedia entry also reveals he is an Islamophobe, racist, gun rights supporter, cheerleader for the genocidal Israeli state (he called Ireland antisemitic for its recognition of Palestine in 2024. Ed.) and, last but not least, homophobic.

    Randy Fine reminds your correspondent of another very pertinent quotation from Orwell’s novel, i.e.:

    War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength.

    Have a nice day!

  • Grammer, AI style

    From your ‘umble scribe’s social media timeline.

    Social media post by @prettybbuckley reading well no over an image featuring the text but truly wasn’t sure how., which Grammarly AI has suggested should be corrected to was trulyn't [sic]

    We all occasionally need help with English grammar, even we pensioners who have spent decades working at linguists, but the above ‘suggestion‘ from Grammarly could be diplomatically described as unhelpful.

    According to Wikipedia, “Grammarly is an American English language writing assistant software tool. It reviews the spelling, grammar, and tone of a piece of writing“, as well as being a tool for detecting plagiarism.

    On its own website, Grammarly is described as ‘Grammarly, the trusted AI assistant for everyday communication‘.

    On the basis of the above howler, your correspondent would not trust it to write out the alphabet in the correct sequence.

  • Golden Arches anthropophagism?

    The photograph below popped up in your ‘umble scribe’s social media feed this morning.

    Sign reads Restroom is for eating customers only!!!

    Judging by the use of the term restroom, the sign was apparently affixed to the door to the toilets of a fast food outlet somewhere in the USA, allegedly in a branch of junk food giant McDonalds, according to the original social media post.

    Note the three exclamation marks at the end of the phrase. One is usually sufficient.

    It is not known how long the chain itself – or indeed the United States as a nation – has permitted cannibalism either within or outwith toilet facilities, let alone endorsed the practice.

    One pertinent question springs to mind: “Do you want fries with that?

    Bon appétit !

    Just ignore the smell and the sound of running water…

  • For UK, see England

    Ever since Æthelstan became King of the English in 927 CE, some in England – starting with Æthelstan himself – have had difficulty recognising where England ended and the rest of the world began. Indeed Æthelstan meddled so much in the land of the Scots that they allegedly nicknamed him “The Bastard“.

    Given the dominance of England within the Untied Kingdom, this has persisted down through the centuries that separate the present from the days of Ælfred of Wessex‘s grandson.

    The latest manifestation of this Englandshire = the entire UK occurs in yesterday’s online edition of Bristol ‘Live’, the city’s unfortunate newspaper of warped record, which managed to defy both demographics and geography in one awful little puff piece masquerading as “news“.

    A screenshot of the headline of the offending article is offered below.

    Headline - UK's smallest city an hour from Bristol is as charming as York and Canterbury - but has far fewer tourists. Byline - The smallest city in England has plenty to offer visitors and yet it remains off the beaten track.

    Although Wells is described in the piece as “England’s smallest city“, there is no empirical evidence provided of its lack of size. Your ‘umble scribe used a little-known research technique called using a search engine to provide an answer; in this case 5 seconds’ work gave a census population figure of 12,000 for Wells.

    However, Wells is not the Untied Kingdom’s smallest cathedral city. Cymru has two cathedral cities that together have a combined population of well under Wells’ 12,000 souls. First of all there’s Llanelwy/St Asaph (pop. 3,485) and Tyddewi/St Davids (pop. 1,751), which is actually the UK’s smallest cathedral city in terms of number of residents.

    Your correspondent is surprised that today’s ‘journalists’ are not familiar with this research technique he often uses, which is recommended they use as a matter of course. 😀

  • New abbreviation in the wild

    Ever since it was first coined in 2002, the online world has benefited from the creation of the slang abbreviation TL;DR, i.e. too long; don’t read, indicating that a body of text is not worth one’s while to read.

    The abbreviation is used in both upper and lower case versions.

    As the Wikipedia entry states, ‘TL;DR is commonly used in online discussions, comment sections, and social media posts. Writers often employ the acronym to summarize a preceding lengthy text, allowing readers who prefer brevity to quickly understand the main point. Conversely, readers might use TL;DR as a critique, signaling that a text was excessively verbose or lacked clarity‘.

    Official recognition of the abbreviation came some 11 years after its first appearance, as Wikipedia explains.

    In August 2013, TL;DR was officially added to Oxford Dictionaries Online, recognizing its widespread use in digital communications. Merriam-Webster also documented the term, noting its establishment as part of modern digital lexicon.

    Human brain made out of electrical circuits denoting artificial intelligence. Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.TL;DR has now been joined by another new slang abbreviation, AI:DR. This denotes that the text in question has been produced by generative AI, that environmentally costly means of producing low quality output (affectionately known as slop. Ed.) without human intervention.

    There is already speculation that AI is being deployed in regional newspaper offices in titles owned by Reach plc, but that would prove difficult to verify as the quality of their content starts from a very low base anyway. 😀

    Your correspondent trusts that readers and the wider public will not be shy in using this new abbreviation accordingly.

  • For UK read England (and English)

    On Monday the country’s best known toolmaker’s son ‘Sir’ Keir Rodney Starmer, in a vain effort to stem the flow of support for the Farage fascist fan club otherwise known as the Reform Party UK Ltd., made a major announcement on immigration racism and xenophobia, namely to the effect that he was in favour of both, despite a side serving of the usual ‘I’m not racist, but…

    His speech met generally with condemnation from the left and varying degrees of praise from those on the right, such as ‘Honest’ Bob Jenrick, some of whom also believed he hadn’t gone far enough to be beastly to those pesky forrins to whom they would have been even nastier.

    Anyway, this was a speech in which Starmer embraced his inner Enoch Powell, echoing phrases from the latter’s notorious and deeply offensive ‘Rivers of blood‘ speech from 2nd April 1968. Where Powell remarked that the country’s white population ‘found themselves made strangers in their own country‘, Starmer stated that the UK risked becoming an ‘island of strangers‘.

    Another ill-conceived utterance in his speech was that immigration and immigrants had done ‘incalculable harm‘ to the country. In particular, this drew justifiable ire from many whose grandparents or great-grandparents had migrated to Britain in the 19th and 20th centuries along the lines of ‘how dare he…‘. This reaction from tax campaigner Richard Murphy is a prime example of this sentiment.

    Quite right, Richard. They come over here and do irreparable harm by (say) keeping the National Health Service running, paying their taxes and so on.

    Another facet of the toolmaker’s son’s speech centred on his remarks about the use of the English language. Starmer is on record as saying:

    Britain is an inclusive and tolerant country, but the public expect that people who come here should be expected to learn the language and integrate.

    A remark of a similar nature and of the same import was also made on Starmer’s social media account.

    Which language? Starmer is conflating English, the language of England with the whole of the Untied* Kingdom, parts of which have their own indigenous languages, like Cymraeg or Gaelic. He seems completely ignorant of the fact that modern English is the product of three waves of historical incomers, i.e. immigrants, the Angles, Saxons, Jutes, etc. who arrived after the Romans left in the 5th century CE, Norse Vikings who settled here and the French-speaking Vikings from Normandy who invaded in 1066. There are very few words from Britain’s indigenous languages in modern English.

    The fact that modern English is a mongrel language brought by immigrants also seems lost on Starmer.

    However, this imperative to speak English has not gone down well in either Scotland or Cymru (where Cymraeg has equal legal status with the language of invasion. Ed.), as The National reports.

    In Cymru, the radio personality, TV presenter and influencer Jessica Davies took to X/Twitter to make her feelings known.

    Starmer's original post reads If you want to live in the UK, you should speak English. That’s common sense. So we're raising English language requirements across every main immigration route. Jessica Davies responds with If you live in Wales you should speak Welsh. Or are we not doing that?

    Well done, Keir. By your racism you have shown that you are well and truly a product of your father’s profession.

    * = Misspelling is deliberate.

  • Another Bristol Live exclusive

    Another day, other news.

    Your ‘umble scribe awoke this morning to hear that Pope Francis, head of the Roman Catholic church, had died aged 88 years.

    In a situation eerily reminiscent of the demise of Mrs Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Mountbatten-Windsor in September 2022, when she had been visited just two days beforehand by a certain Mary Elizabeth Truss, the pontiff’s death comes very shortly after an audience with a certain James David Vance, who has been appointed to preside over vice by the disgraced former 45th president and current disgraceful 47th president of the United States of America, insurrectionist, convicted felon, adjudicated sexual predator, business fraudster, congenital liar and golf cheat commonly known as Donald John Trump.

    Social media has been awash this morning with posts about the similarities between the two deaths

    However, all this speculation is pointless, as is any explanation that the pope was a very ill man.

    For the real reason for the passing of the pontiff, one has to consult Bristol ‘Live’, the West Country’s newspaper of (warped) record.

    Under the Bristol News header, this Reach plc title seems to have an exclusive scoop at to what or who was actually liable for Francis’ demise – West Country folk reacting.

    Screenshot from Bristol Live website showing article filed under Bristol News with the headline Pope Francis dies as South West reacts.

    Now look what you’ve done, Bristolians and neighbours!

    Unless, of course, it’s yet another example of bad English usage and even worse journalism of the putting the cart before the horse variety.

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