facepalm | Steve Woods

Bristol Live exclusive: abstract nouns become tool users

10/03/2026 Steve WoodsBristol, Language, Media, Oddities

Bristol ‘Live’, the city’s newspaper of (warped) record is a frequent source of exclusives, i.e. news limited to the possession, control or use by a title or group of titles. However, most of these go unrecognised or are ignored by the paper itself.

One such occurred this morning when the piece in the screenshot below was added to the title’s website.

It seems the city and county of Bristol and its forces of law in order in particular have some very skilled abstract nouns called offers. Not only can they control domestic animals – horses – but are also able to use tools/weapons (batons) at the same time.

Why have these highly talented abstract nouns not received attention the so richly merit in the past? Diligent proofreading perchance? 😀
Bigotry blasted by Bedford BC

19/02/2026 Steve WoodsPolitics, Social Media, Tech

The world’s 3 Semitic religions, Judaism, Christianity and Islam, frequently have festivals or periods of observance that overlap, coincide or occur very close together,

One of those periods is happening right now towards the end of the second week of February. Islam’s holy month of Ramadan, a period of fasting and prayer, started yesterday, whilst Lent, the Christian period of repentance and fasting leading up to Easter, began today.

The starts of the two periods of religious observance were duly announced on its Facebook account by Bedford Borough Council, a procedure no doubt emulated by their Bedford’s counterparts around the land.

However, one bigoted respondent took the council to task for allegedly showing favouritism to Islam and claiming that the country is apparently first and foremost a Christian country, as shown by the following thread.

Imagine the ignominy of being corrected and taken down a peg or two so comprehensively by an English local authority since these are organisations not universally renowned for their competence, let alone deep knowledge of religious matters.

One final point. If Bedford Borough Council – or any other local authority – had had some authority over the decisions of the (first) Council of Nicaea, then perhaps the date of Easter would be founded on a basis that did not play havoc with council bin collection dates. 😀
Racist: it’s your fault you’re offended

13/02/2026 Steve WoodsLanguage, Media, Politics, Social Media

Ratcliffe the racist. Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.
After the revelations in the news this week, it’s a fair comment to say that ‘Sir’ Jim Ratcliffe has more money than brain cells. Indeed he has so much money that he is no longer resident in the Untied Kingdom and has moved to Monte Carlo, the historic sunny place for shady people, to spend time with substantially more of his money due to the micro-state’s generosity to the super rich in matters fiscal.

However, having a view of the Côte d’Azur has not prevented him from having some vile, bigoted views of what’s happening north of the English Channel.

In an interview earlier this week with Sky News, the ‘businessman‘ and minority shareholder in Manchester United remarked that the UK has been “colonised by immigrants“, as well as having a swipe at those unfortunate enough to be forced to claim Blighty’s less than generous state benefits.

His racism drew criticism not only from just from the country’s political elite, but also from his club Manchester United’s own football fans.

Outside Old Trafford itself, the following billboard subvertisement has appeared according to your ‘umble scribe’s social media timeline, with a billboard outside Old TRafford being subvertised with the slogan: “Immigrants have done more for this city than billionaire tax dodgers ever will“.

One day later, Ratcliffe issued the by now standard non-apology, stating “sorry that my choice of language has offended some people in the UK and Europe and caused concern“, i.e. if you were offended by my choice of language, that’s entirely your own fault and not mine.

Commenting on Ratcliffe’s remarks, today’s Guardian editorial states: “Normalising inflammatory language which presents migrants as hostile invaders does not enhance the possibility of civilised discussion. It contributes to the rise of everyday racism and xenophobia on the UK’s streets.”
Can’t tell Kernewek from Cymraeg? You must be Tesco

05/02/2026 Steve WoodsLanguage

There must have been red faces all round in Tesco’s boardroom yesterday.

In a bid to ingratiate themselves with the residents of Helston in Cornwall (and thus extract more revenue from their bank accounts. Ed), Tesco bosses decided the store needed bilingual signage.

So signage in the vernacular was duly installed, according to The Guardian.

However, the signs were in the wrong vernacular as signage in Cymraeg (Welsh) was installed, instead of in Kernewek (Cornish).

There are about 400 to 500 advanced speakers of Kernewek with between 2,500 and 5,000 people having some basic ability in the language. More than 100,000 people expressed their main national identity, ethnicity or main language as Cornish in the 2021 census.

The Cornish people are a recognised national minority under the European Framework Convention for the Protection of National Minorities, meaning they share the same status as the Welsh, Irish and Scots within the UK.

The company has since apologised for the cock-up and removed the signs.
Reform candidate emulates tRump

25/01/2026 Steve WoodsAI, Language, Politics, Social Media

On Terry Pratchett’s fictional Discworld, Ankh Morpork local newspaper publisher William de Worde remarks: “Lies could run round the world before the truth could get its boots on” in the novel The Truth.

That turn of speed definitely applies today to internet memes, whether AI-generated slop or otherwise.

It hasn’t taken long for the Farage fascist fan club otherwise known as Reform UK (Ltd.) to pick up on some of the latest garbage emanating from the White House (posts passim) and adapt it for their own Z-list candidate for mayor, Laila Cunningham, another Conservative Party defector who, amongst other things, want to dictate what women choose to wear.

AI from the hard of thinking. Since when have there mountains on the banks of the Thames? And why are the two figures shown leaving no tracks in the snow?

Whatever the direction Farage’s Reform is planning on taking the country, those mythical sunlit uplands of politics (© Winston Churchill, July 1940) do not seem to be involved.
President promises penguins

24/01/2026 Steve WoodsAI, Oddities, Politics, Social Media

The disgraced former 45th and current disgraceful 47th President of the United States, adjudicated sexual predator, condemned business fraudster, convicted felon and compulsive liar, one Donald John Trump (who is on a personal quest to Make America Grate Again or something similar. Ed.), has never been renowned for his intellectual prowess. This, plus his overweening narcissism, means that for his second spell of squatting in the Oval Office, he has surrounded himself with sycophantic staff who will not embarrass him mainly because they are just as stupid as their boss, if not more so.

This stupidity was again on display yesterday on the White House social media accounts, with a post based on the lonely penguin meme from the Werner Herzog film Encounters at the End of the World. The meme features footage of a lone Adélie penguin wandering away from its colony in Antarctica and was posted in connection with the Tangerine Tyrant’s obsession with acquiring Greenland from Denmark, an ambition which has provoked both a consumer boycott (posts passim) and demonstrations in both Denmark itself and Greenland.

Here’s what White House staffers embarrassed themselves and the entire Trump regime with yesterday.

Needless to say the image was produced with the aid of Artificial Ignorance, otherwise abbreviated to AI.

Moreover, it goes without saying that the post attracted extensive mockery online. Here’s an example.

However, this criticism overlooks one vital fact; The Donald’s importing of penguins to Greenland is a far better use of US tax dollars than towing Greenland down to the southern polar region to enable it to be populated by penguins! 😀
Security and wearable animals

15/01/2026 Steve WoodsLanguage, Oddities, Security, Social Media

A number of years ago, wearable technology looked set to become all the rage.

Mention of it has declined noticeably in recent years. When, for instance, was the last time you heard of or encountered, say, Google Glass?

On the other hand, wearable animals – or parts of animals – have a history that extends back into prehistory, in particular that epoch known as the Palaeolithic, the longest period in human history.

Nevertheless, the manners in which animals or their parts have been used have adapted over the millennia in response to technological changes and development.

A recent example of such an adaptation is shown below. It cropped up in your correspondent’s social media timeline today, although a reverse image search indicates it might have originated a couple of years ago.

Why Is The First Letter of Each Word Capitalised?

Are other identity animals available? Comment below.
Dumb Britain surfaces in Easton

02/12/2025 Steve WoodsBristol, Language, Media, Oddities

For many years – longer than your ‘umble scribe chooses to remember – satirical magazine Private Eye has featured a column entitled Dumb Britain, which documents the hilariously wrong and ingorant answers given by contestants on television quiz shows.

However, dumbness in the form of lack of knowledge, intelligence or common-sense is not confined to the small screen; myriad examples may be found in real life, as evidenced by the photograph below taken in St Mark’s Road (note the apostrophe, Bristol City Council! Ed.) in Easton last week when the street was undergoing road works.

Maybe Private Eye should expand the criteria for Dumb Britain.
Pizza places to close in two non-existent counties

21/10/2025 Steve WoodsBristol, Language, Media, Oddities
According to Wikipedia, “A county is a type of officially recognized geographical division within a modern country, federal state, or province.”

Within England shires were established in the Anglo-Saxon period, shires were established as areas used for the raising of taxes and usually had a fortified town at their centre. This became known as the shire town or later the county town. In many cases, the shires were named after their shire town (for example Bedfordshire).

Middlesex is one of the thirty-nine historic counties of England. Its name is derived from its origin as a homeland for the Middle Saxons in the early Middle Ages, with the county subsequently part of that territory in the ninth or tenth century. As a county it managed to survive for the best part of a millennium, finally being abolished by the London Government Act 1963, which came into force on 1 April 1965.

The cardboard county of Avon has a rather different history to the former shire named after the home of the Middle Saxons. It was a non-metropolitan and ceremonial county in the west of England which existed between 1974 and 1996. Named after the Bristol Avon, it comprised the cities of Bath and Bristol plus parts of south Gloucestershire and Somerset, which formed the other two local authorities – Northavon and Woodspring – within the county. Avon proved to be deeply unpopular, with locals bemoaning in some instances Bristol’s loss of county status in its own right, as well as traditional affiliations to both Gloucestershire and Somerset respectively. In 1996, the county was abolished and its administrative area split between four new unitary authorities: Bath and North East Somerset, Bristol, North Somerset and South Gloucestershire.

Although both Middlesex and Avon have officially been abolished that does not mean their use has been discontinued, usually by the uninformed. There are still organisations out there which believe Bristol is part of Avon and that the county named after the Middle Saxons still exist. One of these is currently in the news.

One of those organisations is Pizza Hut, which has announced a number of closures of its outlets in the Untied Kingdom, as reported by the Bristol Post/Live.

All told, 68 Pizza Hut restaurants will close after the company behind its the US brand’s UK venues entered administration. These include the following five outlets in the aforementioned non-existent counties, as listed by Bristol’s paper of (warped) record:
- Bristol, Avon;
- Cribbs Causeway, Avon;
- Enfield, Middlesex;
- Feltham, Middlesex; and
- Hayes, Middlesex.
A few news outlets, such as the BBC, actually took the trouble to remove the erroneous county labels instead of blindly copying and pasting the list verbatim from the original press release.

For those still in need of a junk food fix, plenty of other pizza outlets are still open to the public in both real and non-existent counties. 😀
Local rag treats bereaved like software

19/10/2025 Steve WoodsBristol, Language, Media, Oddities, Tech

Yesterday’s Bristol Post featured a report of a man found dead at the scene of a camper van fire at the Hengrove Mounds nature reserve in south Bristol.

Reports about unexpected or unexplained deaths are not exactly uncommon fare for the local press anywhere.

However, what made this particular incident unusual was the manner in which the reporter chose to represent the subsequent action of the police after attending the incident, as quoted directly from the piece itself.

Efforts are currently ongoing to identify him in order to update his next of kin.

Update?

Use of appropriate language is just as important in writing for the local media as it is to a scientist writing a paper or an author penning a work of fiction. The poor man’s next of kin are not like software or kitchen cabinets!

For the benefit of any passing media studies graduates pretending to be journalists, you would have been told by any half-decent sub-editor that relatives and the next of kin are either notified or informed of their loved one’s untimely demise. Lumping grieving family in with software that needs a bug fix is not only very bad English indeed, but abysmal writing not worthy of being classed as journalism.

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